What happened with Hadley:
(constructed from my texts to CR)
MHM: (And by the way, things did NOT work out with that girl I was talking to) 😑😑😑
CR: What happened with that girl?
MHM: “Ok, so after we shopped for my mom, I thought things were going to get serious. I didn’t see her (in person) again until the Friday before the UT game. We hung out, and I played with her dog. She got me a box of TIFF’s Treats for my birthday (a few days before Fall Preview Day for Truett, which I worked) and said she would see me at the Preview event, then did not respond when I asked her why she skipped. She later replied (a few days later) and said she was no longer interested in Truett. Then a few more weeks go by (she was unreliable at best for texting and I never really noticed it enough to stop my bi-weekly texts to her of encouragement and asking how she was doing) and I saw her and her dog at the Homecoming pep rally. I walked her to her car and firmly decided that the next time I saw her, I was going to make the move. Well, I did not see her again in person. And for a banquet event at Truett, I put her name down as my “plus-one”, but she did not show up (I gave her a couple of weeks’ notice).”
(I send her Instagram post in which she said, among other things, that she thinks she is going to die alone but that hope was what she was working on this year.)
“But this was the biggest ‘kick in the teeth’ for me to deal with. This is her New Year’s post on Instagram, and I was infuriated and morose at the part where she wrote “I’m probably going to be single forever.”
“So, I gave up on her. And despite my hopes of her coming to Spring Premiere, she did not. I have forgiven her, but I do not think she even thinks/knows how she made me feel. The ironic thing is, I saw her twice this semester: once at Dr Pepper Hour (I was with a Truett prof) and early in the morning dropping off a friend at Park Place Apartments on Friday. I am still open to the possibility of reconciling, but I think she either got cold feet or someone told her something about me that is not true and she took it as a fact. Oh well.”
(CR response: “Man. I hate that. She did you wrong for sure. Obviously, she’s not obligated to have feelings for you. But she definitely owes you kindness and respect at the very least and it sounds to me like that wasn’t offered. My take on that Instagram post is that she’s a bit lost herself. I don’t mean to sound harsh - we are all wayward people to differing extents and all have plenty of open wounds - but she seems to be going through some stuff and is in no position to date anyway. I’m sorry that happened to you bro. Totally understand how that must have stung and how the feeling still lingers. My encouragement to you is that, as a follower of Christ, every disappointment and frustration pales in comparison to the love He has for you and the awesome plans He has for your good! Keep pressing into that and following His lead and good things will happen. It may take another letdown, or even ten more, but the prize will be more than worth it! I believe he has a lovely lady set aside for you, but regardless of whether that comes to fruition his plans for you are great and the treasure waiting for you in heaven is vast. And that, my friend, is what’s up.”)
MHM response: “Absolutely. I truly believe she “put herself out there” but when I started making advances, she realized it was better to end it there. I absolutely agree that (looking back in hindsight) was in no position to begin a dating relationship. And to your last point, I am still searching for someone else, but if that is not in God’s plan for me to marry, I will still praise Him.”
Hadley ended up at Vanderbilt Divinity School and seems to be doing well. I say “seems” because she has essentially cut me out of her life, so I do not see anything she posts or says (partly for my own sanity, as I unfollowed her on some social media platforms because her lack of response to questions that I deserved the answer to infuriated me). In January, as I went to pick up or drop off somebody at the airport, I decided to look up her podcast to see if there was anything she posted from our session together. What I found is the basis for the note I wrote entitled “1/3/2020”. The text is included here:
1/3/20
Yesterday, I felt awful. Not physically, I felt fine health-wise.
I felt awful emotionally.
I wanted to find out what Hadley did with our podcast that we recorded. So, I searched up “Hadley Bristol podcast”. What I found made me feel terrible.
She recorded a podcast with two adult moms (from San Antonio) and it was about online relationships that turn into dating and her experiences with it. I guess I should have known she would have brought me up, but there were a few main takeaways I had from her episode:
- She (at one point) considered me her best guy friend.
This is a bit surprising, but not a shock. I knew she was very reserved, but I thought she would have had at least one more close guy friend from back home.
- Me going over to her house before I left for Austin (October 12th, 2018) was the day she decided that it was not going to work between us.
Also kind of a surprise, but not a shock. I made up an excuse to hang out with her and really did not have much to talk about honestly. I had to lie and say that “I missed Cooper” in order to not seem like a creep.
- She thought I came off too strong at first, and looking back, I have to agree with her.
I thought she replied to some of my stories, but in reality, she only replied to my questions or my comments about her stories. I need to hold off on interacting with girl’s stories as often as I did for her. She was right; I barely knew her, and I was commenting and replying to almost every story.
- She acted like it was a clean break, not at all her ghosting me
Yeah, I expected that, but it still infuriates me that she sees what she did as completely okay and normal. It was unacceptable for her to not even think about how I would feel and just decide to leave and move on without letting me know what I did wrong. I will admit, I am not perfect, but I strive to be better and better.
- She never really had an interest in me
This hurts to admit, but reflecting on it, I can see how the signs were there from the beginning. She never initiated a story, text conversation, or dialogue between us. I thought she did this at first, because she was shy. I now know that she did it because she was trying to
And so what did I do? I tried to explain myself and apologize like the idiot I am. If someone does not like my friendliness, then so be it. I want to show my friends and loved ones that I do care for them. The best way I can do that is by texting or communicating with them.
And thus, the pattern of love-heartbreak-loneliness rears its ugly head once again. Am I mad? Ehhhhh maybe
Am I sad?
Absolutely.
Whenever I feel sad, I look up her name on my computer or internet and see if there would be some sort of message she meant to send me and never did. I ended up finding out what her phone number is through searching the messages saved to my computer. It is now its own separate note. I do not know if I will ever contact her through that medium. All I seek are answers for what went wrong.
Is that too much to ask?
