1/3/20

Yesterday, I felt awful. Not physically, I felt fine health-wise. 

I felt awful emotionally.

I wanted to find out what *redacted former flame's name* did with our podcast that we recorded. So, I searched up "*redacted girl's name* podcast”. What I found made me feel terrible. 

She recorded a podcast with two adult moms  and it was about online relationships that turn into dating and her experiences with it. I guess I should have known she would have brought me up, but there were a few main takeaways I had from her episode: 

1. She (at one point) considered me her best guy friend. 

This is a bit surprising, but not a shock. I knew she was very reserved, but I thought she would have had at least one more close guy friend from back home. 

2. Me going over to her house before I left for Austin (October 12th, 2018) was the day she decided that it was not going to work between us. 

Also kind of a surprise, but not a shock. I made up an excuse to hang out with her and really did not have much to talk about honestly. I had to lie and say that “I missed Cooper” in order to not seem like a creep. 

3. She thought I came off too strong at first, and looking back, I have to agree with her. 

I thought she replied to some of my stories, but in reality, she only replied to my questions or my comments about her stories. I need to hold off on interacting with girl’s stories as often as I did for her. She was right; I barely knew her, and I was commenting and replying to almost every story. 

4. She acted like it was a clean break, not at all her ghosting me 

Yeah, I expected that, but it still infuriated me that she sees what she did as completely okay and normal. I understand that sometimes, women feel like they cannot give the guy's who are interested in them a clear answer and must resort to ghosting and not answering text messages or any types of communication channels. But, I would rather have open and honest communication than worry that she forgot about me. 

5. She never really had an interest in me

This hurts to admit but reflecting on it, I can see how the signs were there from the beginning. She never initiated a story, text conversation, or dialogue between us. I thought she did this at first because she was shy. I now know that she did it because she was trying to determine whether or not we were compatible for a relationship. I wish I could have gone back and realized it and been more romantic in our time together. 

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And so what did I do? I tried to explain myself and apologize like the idiot I am. If someone does not like my friendliness, then so be it. I want to show my friends and loved ones that I do care for them. The best way I can do that is by texting or communicating with them. 

I still think I have feelings for her. Isn't that the irony of it all: having romantic feelings for the person who abandoned you and left you alone with no explanation at all. Sometimes, I like to think that she forgot to send a message to me a long time ago, and now she feels that if she did erase it and reply, she would lose the meaning of her message. Other times, I think she has blocked me, though I had her blocked and it seems that she did not have me blocked (maybe just muted). 

Last Spring, around the time of Graduation, I thought I saw her at the top of the parking garage, taking pictures of the school I go to and the school she told me she had no interest in going to, despite the fact that she was interested in it a few days before me asking her about it. I know I sound like a lonely SOB without hope, but I promise you that is not the case. I have hope, friends, joy, family, etc... the only thing missing in my life is a woman for me to express my romantic feelings towards. And so, I continue on in the shadows of a former self... lying awake at night haunted by the thoughts of what could have beens and what might have happeneds.