Yep... You Can Already Guess What Happened

 I will keep this short. I was working on another Matthew Hayden album following the completion of "In the Shadow of a Former Self" in October of 2021. And wouldn't you know it? I somehow got heart broken AGAIN!!! 

Essentially, the woman (who will go unnamed here) and I had been communicating for a good chunk of 2022. I attended her shows and plays. I brought her flowers once and a nice, handwritten card the next time. 

One day in September, out of the blue, I receive a text message from her in which she talks about how nobly I pursued her and honored her during my courting of her. (Note to Future Self: when someone begins by lifting you up and complimenting you, watch out for the nosedive the conversation is fixing to take.) But then, as it almost always seems to happen to me, she wrote "I have been seeing a guy and we are getting pretty serious. I want to reiterate that I value our friendship greatly but... I still see you as a friend. Also, in light of what happened to Matt Chandler, I think we should limit our familiar texting and DMs." 

Wait, so I am a friend but you want to limit us talking? Fine. Whatever. I hope you made the right decision. I replied back and said "I wish you the best in your future endeavors." And in the past, I would have said that untruthfully, but this time? I meant it. I hope life goes so well for you. But I hope you also remember how poorly you treated me and how long you made me wait on you. 

Based off of this communication alone, I wrote most of my newest album "Thank You for Your Tolerance of All My Idiosyncracies". I wanted it to be an album that sheds light on hope but also pulls it back and says "But don't get too hopeful. Come back to reality quickly." I quickly unfollowed many of the people I used to follow on Instagram. I didn't want to become distracted and fall into a faux sense of hope with one of them. 

Anyway, that's it. I finished the album. I really like it. Only eight original songs but I included two covers in there. 

I am not happy right now. But that's okay. I have learned that happiness comes and goes like the winds or the tides. Rather, I would say I am at peace with the situation. Which I suppose, is the most positive I can be at a time like this. 

Pokemon Diamond and Other Reasons Why I Truly Believe I am Cursed in Romance

 I know someday, it will all be worth it

All the "no's", all the frustration, all the heartbreak, all the time, energy, and money I spent on pursuing Godly women...

Unfortunately, that day is not today. 

I considered whether or not to shut down this website. It seemed pointless after I finished writing the album "In the Shadow of a Former Self". Unfortunately, my words were prophetic once again. I am in the shadow of a former self: a self that has the worst luck with women. 

Pokemon Diamond and other reasons why I truly believe I am cursed in romance. 

I asked her out, we went on one date, we had a lot of fun, we talked the entire time (no awkward pauses). And yet, here I am... one month after she agreed to a second date, I went to her door to bring her some Dr Pepper and have a serious conversation with her only to have her met answer the door (on the phone) and say "I am really busy, I had a horrible day, and I am on the phone with my boyfriend. What do you want?" 

boyfriend...

Just weeks earlier when I marked off her bingo card, she had "single" and I did not cross it off. I did not cross it off because we were kind of a thing. We were kind of together. Certainly in the early stages, but still together. To where I would consider us "dating" because we had been on one and had the agreement to go on another. 

-----------------------------------

The easiest way to kill a tree is to crush the blooming seed before it can start to take root. That was a mistake on my part, but I cannot believe that she would terminate a blossoming romance over that. 

No, it must have been that she found someone better. Someone who was more in line with her theology. Someone who was more in tune with music. Someone who was more clever and adept than I am. There are plenty of people like that. I am sure of it. What makes me uniquely me does not make him uniquely him. 

Here's where the problem truly lies: I know nothing about him. She has never acknowledged him in name, detail, or location. Only in theory and general Twitter posts. She even tweeted out a meme from Back to the Future saying: "You guys aren't ready for that one yet..." 

When I took my new job, one of the perks was getting to still be close enough to Waco so that a trip is only 30-40 minutes and not 2 hours. 

I thought about the proximity to her. I thought about the proximity to a lot of my friends. I thought about the support I could get from my seminary. I thought about the proximity to enjoy collegiate sports on a consistent basis post-graduation. 

Unfortunately, only a couple of those things have worked out. 

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I wrote a song about the first date. It's one of my favorites. I even wrote it on the piano, which I never did until this one. It was supposed to be the last original song on "In the Shadow of a Former Self." It details how we found each other, went on a date, and I found strength and resolve to accept that maybe we would never go on a second date. 

But that was too happy of a song to end the album on. Instead, I wrote a new song on piano in which I belt out "Give me hope/Give me peace/Give me love/When I'm sober..." in essence saying that "we'd be fine if we were older..." but even then, I have to wonder if that second date you agreed to was just out of formality and you never intended to go on it with me. Maybe that was what it was. At least then I could understand it, I think. 

Unless this is some cruel trick you are playing on me, I do not want to be friends anymore. My roommate last year told me that he had this talk with his now-girlfriend about a couple weeks into their relationship where he took things exclusive. He said "I have really enjoyed our time together and would not be offended if you ended it today. However, I would like to start dating you and doing so exclusively. If you say no, that's fine, but we won't be friends anymore." I thought that was harsh; giving an ultimatum of either dating or friendship. Now I see how wise he really was. 

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I never got to have that conversation with her. Because of that, I believe our budding relationship was taken from the ground and stomped on. 

She posted a picture to Twitter recently of the video game "Pokemon Diamond" and had a text conversation posted with it in which someone texted her "I am going to get you diamond."

She wrote, "got this text from my man..." 

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If this was a one-time thing, I think I would move on. But it's not. From SR to CP to JF to KH to HFB... all of them have been friendships that I could not develop into relationships. 

I'm not mad, just... disappointed.

america

AMERICA

Sorrow and Remorse over Betrayal and Unrequited Love

3/26

You know, I was actually doing okay. 

For the first time in a long time, I felt good about life in general

And then I saw two things that drove me to sorrow and remorse. They were from one person’s twitter account

@hollybristol

Seems innocent enough. Just a random mom who Tweets about typical mom issues (raising kids, her husband, political issues, etc…)

Until I saw this tweet from her: 

At first, I knew who she was referring to when she said “Hads”, but I didn’t want to believe it. No; it couldn’t be the same Hadley who ghosted me and left me alone with so many questions without ever calling or replying back, right? 

Not the Hadley who was on the top of GarageMahal taking a picture of Truett the early part of the night of the “Boomers and Beyond” Conference? 

Not the Hadley who drove past my house so many times and once, even made eye contact with me in my car? 

Not the Hadley who was so excited to go to Lake A Date with me in 2018?

Not the Hadley who recorded an hour long podcast with me, only to abandon the idea and keep it for herself? 

The Hadley who called me her “best guy friend” on a different, separate podcast and yet, never told me or even used my name on the podcast? 

The irony is: I would have been the perfect guy for Hadley to bring home to her parents. Even if she wanted to lie, I still would have done that for her. 

She meant so much to me… 

It’s hard to move on when you cannot receive closure from the person who hurt you. I remember watching “The Office” as a middle schooler and hearing the phrase “closure” for the first time. I have only received closure once in my “relationships”, and it was when I broke it off.

Sometimes you have to move on. Even without closure. Even without an explanation of what went wrong. Even without a final goodbye. I know it’s cliche to say, but hold your loved ones a little tighter when you say goodbye, because you truly never know when the last time you will see them will be.

Was it a matter of bad timing?

     I thought she really liked me

     I thought things would be different with her

     She gave me these signals that were clearly flirtatious

     But, was it because she was looking into seminaries and grad schools?

     I still am deeply attracted to her. Her beauty, brains, personality, and testimony are the total package

     Only problem is, I was never a part of her future

      I wonder if, in an alternate reality, we ended up together

      I wonder what we would do for dates

      I wonder how long it would have taken before someone said “I love you” and who would say it first (probably me because I make impulsive decisions and told that to my ex only a month to a month and a half after we started dating.)

      I wonder if she ever thinks about me

      I wonder if the podcast we recorded will ever be published

      I wonder if it was just a matter of a quirk I had or an idiosyncrasy I showed

     Would her parents like me? 

     Of course, they would. I am a very polished individual with great manners. 

    When the time came, would her father give me the okay to marry his daughter?

    Would her sister be the maid of honor?

    Would she have a perfect wedding dress picked out? 

     Would she be able to feel like a princess?

     Would we be truly happy?

     Would things work out like I had hoped they would?

     What would the future hold?

     What will the future hold? 

I guess we will never know

BAD TIMING

What Happened With Hadley Fairweather Bristol

What happened with Hadley:

(constructed from my texts to CR)

MHM: (And by the way, things did NOT work out with that girl I was talking to) 😑😑😑

CR: What happened with that girl?

MHM: “Ok, so after we shopped for my mom, I thought things were going to get serious. I didn’t see her (in person) again until the Friday before the UT game. We hung out, and I played with her dog. She got me a box of TIFF’s Treats for my birthday (a few days before Fall Preview Day for Truett, which I worked) and said she would see me at the Preview event, then did not respond when I asked her why she skipped. She later replied (a few days later) and said she was no longer interested in Truett. Then a few more weeks go by (she was unreliable at best for texting and I never really noticed it enough to stop my bi-weekly texts to her of encouragement and asking how she was doing) and I saw her and her dog at the Homecoming pep rally. I walked her to her car and firmly decided that the next time I saw her, I was going to make the move. Well, I did not see her again in person. And for a banquet event at Truett, I put her name down as my “plus-one”, but she did not show up (I gave her a couple of weeks’ notice).”

(I send her Instagram post in which she said, among other things, that she thinks she is going to die alone but that hope was what she was working on this year.)

“But this was the biggest ‘kick in the teeth’ for me to deal with. This is her New Year’s post on Instagram, and I was infuriated and morose at the part where she wrote “I’m probably going to be single forever.”

“So, I gave up on her. And despite my hopes of her coming to Spring Premiere, she did not. I have forgiven her, but I do not think she even thinks/knows how she made me feel. The ironic thing is, I saw her twice this semester: once at Dr Pepper Hour (I was with a Truett prof) and early in the morning dropping off a friend at Park Place Apartments on Friday. I am still open to the possibility of reconciling, but I think she either got cold feet or someone told her something about me that is not true and she took it as a fact. Oh well.”

(CR response: “Man. I hate that. She did you wrong for sure. Obviously, she’s not obligated to have feelings for you. But she definitely owes you kindness and respect at the very least and it sounds to me like that wasn’t offered. My take on that Instagram post is that she’s a bit lost herself. I don’t mean to sound harsh - we are all wayward people to differing extents and all have plenty of open wounds - but she seems to be going through some stuff and is in no position to date anyway. I’m sorry that happened to you bro. Totally understand how that must have stung and how the feeling still lingers. My encouragement to you is that, as a follower of Christ, every disappointment and frustration pales in comparison to the love He has for you and the awesome plans He has for your good! Keep pressing into that and following His lead and good things will happen. It may take another letdown, or even ten more, but the prize will be more than worth it! I believe he has a lovely lady set aside for you, but regardless of whether that comes to fruition his plans for you are great and the treasure waiting for you in heaven is vast. And that, my friend, is what’s up.”)

MHM response: “Absolutely. I truly believe she “put herself out there” but when I started making advances, she realized it was better to end it there. I absolutely agree that (looking back in hindsight) was in no position to begin a dating relationship. And to your last point, I am still searching for someone else, but if that is not in God’s plan for me to marry, I will still praise Him.”

Hadley ended up at Vanderbilt Divinity School and seems to be doing well. I say “seems” because she has essentially cut me out of her life, so I do not see anything she posts or says (partly for my own sanity, as I unfollowed her on some social media platforms because her lack of response to questions that I deserved the answer to infuriated me). In January, as I went to pick up or drop off somebody at the airport, I decided to look up her podcast to see if there was anything she posted from our session together. What I found is the basis for the note I wrote entitled “1/3/2020”. The text is included here:

1/3/20

Yesterday, I felt awful. Not physically, I felt fine health-wise. 

I felt awful emotionally.

I wanted to find out what Hadley did with our podcast that we recorded. So, I searched up “Hadley Bristol podcast”. What I found made me feel terrible. 

She recorded a podcast with two adult moms (from San Antonio) and it was about online relationships that turn into dating and her experiences with it. I guess I should have known she would have brought me up, but there were a few main takeaways I had from her episode: 

1. She (at one point) considered me her best guy friend. 

This is a bit surprising, but not a shock. I knew she was very reserved, but I thought she would have had at least one more close guy friend from back home. 

2. Me going over to her house before I left for Austin (October 12th, 2018) was the day she decided that it was not going to work between us. 

Also kind of a surprise, but not a shock. I made up an excuse to hang out with her and really did not have much to talk about honestly. I had to lie and say that “I missed Cooper” in order to not seem like a creep. 

3. She thought I came off too strong at first, and looking back, I have to agree with her. 

I thought she replied to some of my stories, but in reality, she only replied to my questions or my comments about her stories. I need to hold off on interacting with girl’s stories as often as I did for her. She was right; I barely knew her, and I was commenting and replying to almost every story. 

4. She acted like it was a clean break, not at all her ghosting me 

Yeah, I expected that, but it still infuriates me that she sees what she did as completely okay and normal. It was unacceptable for her to not even think about how I would feel and just decide to leave and move on without letting me know what I did wrong. I will admit, I am not perfect, but I strive to be better and better. 

5. She never really had an interest in me

This hurts to admit, but reflecting on it, I can see how the signs were there from the beginning. She never initiated a story, text conversation, or dialogue between us. I thought she did this at first, because she was shy. I now know that she did it because she was trying to 

And so what did I do? I tried to explain myself and apologize like the idiot I am. If someone does not like my friendliness, then so be it. I want to show my friends and loved ones that I do care for them. The best way I can do that is by texting or communicating with them. 

And thus, the pattern of love-heartbreak-loneliness rears its ugly head once again. Am I mad? Ehhhhh maybe

Am I sad?

Absolutely.

Whenever I feel sad, I look up her name on my computer or internet and see if there would be some sort of message she meant to send me and never did. I ended up finding out what her phone number is through searching the messages saved to my computer. It is now its own separate note. I do not know if I will ever contact her through that medium. All I seek are answers for what went wrong. 

Is that too much to ask?

Via Memorandum

We can try to move just past some things

But sometimes it gets a little hard 

I think about friends I had in past for me

Who now are gone so far

My friends are what I value most

At least, of the earthly things

It’s hard when you put so much into a friendship

Only for her to walk away and sing

Yes, she was my dream girl

Beautiful, smart, and fun

But I guess I was not her dream guy

I assume I’m not the one

I don’t say all this out of spite

I say it out of a depressing peace

One that covers me and comforts me

With the warm, welcoming fleece

I wish I would have kissed her

Even just one time

Now I still miss her

But I never crossed a line

If anything, she should regret not getting with me

I am such a great guy

I never thought about sex

And I would not have even tried

She knew Hebrew too, which was very cool

And impressed me even more

I would have taken Greek if I could have seen

Just what would have been in store. 

I have tried to put this in the past

And kill the memory, but it still lingers

It attaches itself to me and it surrounds me

Like greasiness on your fingers