Yesterday, I felt awful. Not physically, I felt fine health-wise.
I felt awful emotionally.
I wanted to find out what *redacted former flame's name* did with our podcast that we recorded. So, I searched up "*redacted girl's name* podcast”. What I found made me feel terrible.
She recorded a podcast with two adult moms and it was about online relationships that turn into dating and her experiences with it. I guess I should have known she would have brought me up, but there were a few main takeaways I had from her episode:
- She (at one point) considered me her best guy friend.
This is a bit surprising, but not a shock. I knew she was very reserved, but I thought she would have had at least one more close guy friend from back home.
- Me going over to her house before I left for Austin (October 12th, 2018) was the day she decided that it was not going to work between us.
Also kind of a surprise, but not a shock. I made up an excuse to hang out with her and really did not have much to talk about honestly. I had to lie and say that “I missed Cooper” in order to not seem like a creep.
- She thought I came off too strong at first, and looking back, I have to agree with her.
I thought she replied to some of my stories, but in reality, she only replied to my questions or my comments about her stories. I need to hold off on interacting with girl’s stories as often as I did for her. She was right; I barely knew her, and I was commenting and replying to almost every story.
- She acted like it was a clean break, not at all her ghosting me
Yeah, I expected that, but it still infuriated me that she sees what she did as completely okay and normal. I understand that sometimes, women feel like they cannot give the guy's who are interested in them a clear answer and must resort to ghosting and not answering text messages or any types of communication channels. But, I would rather have open and honest communication than worry that she forgot about me.
- She never really had an interest in me
This hurts to admit but reflecting on it, I can see how the signs were there from the beginning. She never initiated a story, text conversation, or dialogue between us. I thought she did this at first because she was shy. I now know that she did it because she was trying to determine whether or not we were compatible for a relationship. I wish I could have gone back and realized it and been more romantic in our time together.
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And so what did I do? I tried to explain myself and apologize like the idiot I am. If someone does not like my friendliness, then so be it. I want to show my friends and loved ones that I do care for them. The best way I can do that is by texting or communicating with them.
I still think I have feelings for her. Isn't that the irony of it all: having romantic feelings for the person who abandoned you and left you alone with no explanation at all. Sometimes, I like to think that she forgot to send a message to me a long time ago, and now she feels that if she did erase it and reply, she would lose the meaning of her message. Other times, I think she has blocked me, though I had her blocked and it seems that she did not have me blocked (maybe just muted).
Last Spring, around the time of Graduation, I thought I saw her at the top of the parking garage, taking pictures of the school I go to and the school she told me she had no interest in going to, despite the fact that she was interested in it a few days before me asking her about it. I know I sound like a lonely SOB without hope, but I promise you that is not the case. I have hope, friends, joy, family, etc... the only thing missing in my life is a woman for me to express my romantic feelings towards. And so, I continue on in the shadows of a former self... lying awake at night haunted by the thoughts of what could have beens and what might have happeneds.
