I know someday, it will all be worth it
All the "no's", all the frustration, all the heartbreak, all the time, energy, and money I spent on pursuing Godly women...
Unfortunately, that day is not today.
I considered whether or not to shut down this website. It seemed pointless after I finished writing the album "In the Shadow of a Former Self". Unfortunately, my words were prophetic once again. I am in the shadow of a former self: a self that has the worst luck with women.
Pokemon Diamond and other reasons why I truly believe I am cursed in romance.
I asked her out, we went on one date, we had a lot of fun, we talked the entire time (no awkward pauses). And yet, here I am... one month after she agreed to a second date, I went to her door to bring her some Dr Pepper and have a serious conversation with her only to have her met answer the door (on the phone) and say "I am really busy, I had a horrible day, and I am on the phone with my boyfriend. What do you want?"
boyfriend...
Just weeks earlier when I marked off her bingo card, she had "single" and I did not cross it off. I did not cross it off because we were kind of a thing. We were kind of together. Certainly in the early stages, but still together. To where I would consider us "dating" because we had been on one and had the agreement to go on another.
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The easiest way to kill a tree is to crush the blooming seed before it can start to take root. That was a mistake on my part, but I cannot believe that she would terminate a blossoming romance over that.
No, it must have been that she found someone better. Someone who was more in line with her theology. Someone who was more in tune with music. Someone who was more clever and adept than I am. There are plenty of people like that. I am sure of it. What makes me uniquely me does not make him uniquely him.
Here's where the problem truly lies: I know nothing about him. She has never acknowledged him in name, detail, or location. Only in theory and general Twitter posts. She even tweeted out a meme from Back to the Future saying: "You guys aren't ready for that one yet..."
When I took my new job, one of the perks was getting to still be close enough to Waco so that a trip is only 30-40 minutes and not 2 hours.
I thought about the proximity to her. I thought about the proximity to a lot of my friends. I thought about the support I could get from my seminary. I thought about the proximity to enjoy collegiate sports on a consistent basis post-graduation.
Unfortunately, only a couple of those things have worked out.
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I wrote a song about the first date. It's one of my favorites. I even wrote it on the piano, which I never did until this one. It was supposed to be the last original song on "In the Shadow of a Former Self." It details how we found each other, went on a date, and I found strength and resolve to accept that maybe we would never go on a second date.
But that was too happy of a song to end the album on. Instead, I wrote a new song on piano in which I belt out "Give me hope/Give me peace/Give me love/When I'm sober..." in essence saying that "we'd be fine if we were older..." but even then, I have to wonder if that second date you agreed to was just out of formality and you never intended to go on it with me. Maybe that was what it was. At least then I could understand it, I think.
Unless this is some cruel trick you are playing on me, I do not want to be friends anymore. My roommate last year told me that he had this talk with his now-girlfriend about a couple weeks into their relationship where he took things exclusive. He said "I have really enjoyed our time together and would not be offended if you ended it today. However, I would like to start dating you and doing so exclusively. If you say no, that's fine, but we won't be friends anymore." I thought that was harsh; giving an ultimatum of either dating or friendship. Now I see how wise he really was.
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I never got to have that conversation with her. Because of that, I believe our budding relationship was taken from the ground and stomped on.
She posted a picture to Twitter recently of the video game "Pokemon Diamond" and had a text conversation posted with it in which someone texted her "I am going to get you diamond."
She wrote, "got this text from my man..."
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If this was a one-time thing, I think I would move on. But it's not. From SR to CP to JF to KH to HFB... all of them have been friendships that I could not develop into relationships.
I'm not mad, just... disappointed.
